Barry tried to read a lot of books at random and reconcile the world as he’d found it with the terms of his birth. But there was no escape to be had. Only Malcolm X’s autobiography seemed to offer something different. His repeated acts of self-creation spoke to him; the blunt poetry of his worlds, his unadorned insistence on respect, promised a new and uncompromising order, martial in its discipline, forged through sheer force of will. And yet, even as he imagined himself following Malcolm's call, one line in the book stayed him. He spoke of a wish he’d once had, the wish that the white blood that ran through him, thereby an act of violence, might somehow be expunged. I knew that, for Malcolm, that wish would never be incidental. He knew as well that traveling down the road to self-respect his own white blood would never recede into mere abstraction. He was left to wonder what else he would be serving if and when he left his mother and his grandparents at some uncharted border.
After a basketball game at the university gym, one day, Ray and he happened to strike up a conversation with a tall, gaunt man-maned Malik who played with them. Malik mentioned that he was a follower of the Nation of Islam but that since Malcolm X had died and he had to moved to Hawaii he no longer went to the mosque or political meetings, although he still sought comfort in solitary prayer. At that time, he notices Ray making a sarcastic remark on Malik and laughing and looked at him sternly. Barry said to him, “What are you laughing at? You don't deserve to say that because you didn't read Malik's book.” The conversation between the two began to intensify. He wanted to expect some world of support from Malik. But he said nothing. Barry decided to keep his own counsel after that, learning to disguise his feverish mood.
He felt confused as he faced the feeling that his grandparents feared black people of his own skin color. He felt as if the earth shook under his feet, ready to crack open at any moment. He stopped, trying to steady himself, and knew for the first time that he was utterly alone. -P91, August 19, 2021
